Lily Allen, her thoughts, exactly & how, it's not always easy being a family man

The Elizabethan Book Club
Jun 14, 2020
6 min read

Updated: Aug 6, 2020

“The past is so close, and yet irretrievable” Hilary Mantel for BBC Bookclub 2019

Lily Allen, 2015 for i-D Magazine, Photography by Matteo Montanari

"I've been a success, and a failure"

Allen, My Thoughts Exactly 2019

I really wanted to write about Lily Allens book, and her latest album No Shame, which I feel go hand in hand. Firstly, I loved it, the book is an amazingly raw memoir, which traces key moments in Allen's life, sometimes focussed on what we may have read publicly about her, owning the things that were in her control that perhaps didn't go right. It is her "version of events" and she makes this very clear in countless interviews, and in the introduction of the book. It's written in a beautifully easy, matter-of-fact manner, you feel you are in conversation with Lily Allen. The further into this memoir you get, the more you realise, this is not a book produced in revenge on the press, (although rightly so if it was), or Allen speaking her truth, because she has to. No, I feel like this is a memoir about all the loves in her life, as well as what the trials of life bring and the lessons learnt.

This memoir is actually a great discussion on women's role in both the home and professionally. Lily Allen is nothing if not searingly honest about the trials of falling in love publicly, but also being a mother, with a career. My Thoughts Exactly is so relatable in this way, it's the explanation of her break from music, but also we get an incredible insight into her creative process and where the fabulous lyrics and melodies Allen is known for, come from. Allen has always proved herself to be the anti-popstar from day one, breaking the mould of female lyrics/music, usually circling round superficial topics. Lily's sound comes from her dismay at the female representation in music in the early 90's and 2000's. Her music has often targeted her critics, and faces her reality head-on, her latest album no different to the tone of this memoir, discussing motherhood, depression, addictions, her career, and being a modern woman in love.

HOME & WORK - Listen to: Family Man & Three from No Shame

I loved how the book sectioned off showing you key points of change almost and you feel you're learning a lesson. I listened to further interviews where Lily Allen discusses these key times in her life, mostly journalists have focussed on comments made about her family life and upbringing, as Allen speaks unabashedly of her feelings regarding lack of self and career drive in her early years, often due to a haphazardly managed home-life.

I loved the honestly in which Allen speaks about her family-life, as not being "loveless" and she now, as a mother, understands the trials her own went through as a woman with a career and small children: “You do become more forgiving of your parents once you’ve had kids” In The Bathroom 2019. I think it's so easy when you're young, to blame your parents for any feelings of isolation, especially if they are both working, and then when you get older you realise, as is the human condition, we are all deeply selfish, we do want both a family and career. Since now it is overtly accepted in society for women to do both, covertly it still isn't. Many women still have contracts and jobs terminated upon becoming pregnant or requesting time off or less working office days, Allen describes family separation and going back to work:

“I think when it came to starting to write music again and then going out on tour, I just like completely lost all sense of self, I just didn’t know what my role was”

Allen speaks candidly and so openly about motherhood, and the affect having babies had on her creative drive. During the making of her 2014 Album Sheezus, Allen talks about this being a particularly important moment, with the loss of her first child, then the fast following of two small children, within 3 years, her life has changed dramatically. The toll this takes is reflected in this album I think. Speaking to NME in 2018: "...But I can’t blame it on anyone. I OK’d it, I approved it. But because I didn’t have a sense of self at the time, I was looking to other people to guide me. And I’ve always done it myself, which is, I think, what translated to people before. The sense of honesty. I think I just felt like I couldn’t sell it, ’cause I didn’t know who I was..." I have such respect for this statement - I don't think this subject is discussed enough, and I commend Allen for saying it.

My Thoughts Exactly dips into the subtext of society's relationship with working mothers, we all want them to succeed but only in a way that is acceptable and visually pleasing for us. Allen discusses her role and the loss of role and self as a performer.

SEX & LOVE - Higher, Everything to Feel Something, Apples, Your Choice (feat. Burna Boy) on No Shame

I think so much of who we are, is because of the relationships we had when we were younger, I read a statement once that literally said we are a product of all of our previous traumas. I think this is very accurate, we accept love we think we deserve. This memoir excels in Allens thoughts on Love. Allen shows her flaws and mistakes in un-abashed honesty, and in an act of real bravery I think, admits her co-dependancy and need for support constantly in her romantic life. Allen calls herself a co-dependant, peppered throughout the book, you feel you can learn from this memoir, as she creatively draws on this vulnerability, creating beautiful melodic pieces like Higher on No Shame.

"I know I'm being used/I'm just another thing to do/I don't know why I do it to myself/Giving all my worth to someone else" Everything to Feel Something, from No Shame

So much of being in a relationship is knowing who you are, knowing what you deserve and want, but as Lily Allen writes in her music and this memoir, if you lose yourself, you can't possibly love right or be loved the way you want. She speaks about losing her mind in her music, her addictions and depression affecting how Allen deals with love. Her conversational tone is where the book and album go hand-in-hand, I loved the way Lily discusses her love life, you see they way the memoir is laid out, it is deliberately un-chronological, to show you how her experiences with love, in all forms, in her youth, have transcended into her adult life.

ON STALKING & INFLUENCE

Lily Allen was stalked and had her house broken into, she was threatened and stalked for years prior to the break-in, and received no real help from police. The break-in was ruled as an attempted burglary, sparking political action from Allen to develop real help for victims of stalking, so much of police training and action revolved around the gender of victim, much like sexual attacks it is often treated simply and written off as an overreaction and paranoia, especially as a pop-star/fan relationship.

I recently listened to Lily Allen on Elizabeth Day's podcast How To Fail, where she [Day] spoke of a viral internet video of a man who got dumped, and waited outside his ex-girlfriends house serenading her and waiting for her to take him back - he refused to move. The by-standers found it sweet and endearing, as Day describes "what people aren't seeing is a man not respecting a woman's boundaries and the fact she is saying no." Similarly, it is events such as Allens stalking which have vilified her further in the media, it is astonishing that in 2018 a woman's word against a man, is still so questioned. Allen provided all of the research and evidence of stalking, yet another form was handed into police and nothing happened, this man still continued to stalk her. I admired the real change and light she sheds on the agencies and charities dedicated to female assault and harassment victim support, which is something little known about her.

Finally, Allen talks about sex and love, relationships in all forms, her experiences making her stronger, but not necessarily healed, this book won't give you the answers, but her depiction of the roles she takes on, as both mother and performer, provide an insight into being the modern woman, and mainly, that we are not alone. We are strong in our vulnerability.